Yesterday Oprah dedicated her show to finding out “what is normal?” She polled everyday people to find out, on average, what is normal for habits in love, hygiene, and living.
Questions such as, “How often do you pick your nose?” and “Have you ever faked an orgasm?” were answered by people from all walks of life. The results showed what percentage of people answered the question in the same way.
That apparently defines normal for Oprah.
However, I call bullsh**t on that.
There is no such thing as normal when you are a parent. This is particularly true when you are a brand-spanking-shiny-new parent. Then, you do things you never imagined were humanly possible. Not to mention, what’s normal for one child may not be for the next.
Parents of teenagers have their own set of challenges. Parents of special needs children could write a book on what “normal” means for them. All I know is that once you enter the world of parenthood, it’s like a parallel universe to the childless life you once knew. You immediately feel like an extraterrestrial that has just landed on a moon orbiting around the planet Child in the galaxy Crazy of the Parental universe. Simply put, it’s not about you anymore.
Allow me to run down a brief list of some very abnormal occurrences that every “normal” parent goes through.
For starters, is it normal for a human head to come out of your vagina screaming and crying – NO!
Is it normal for a knife to cut into your formerly-toned abs and pull out another life form? – NO!
Is it normal for you to operate yourself or heavy machinery on only 2 hours of sleep – NO!
Is it normal to go days without showering or brushing your teeth – NO!
Is it normal to be peed in the face by another human – NO!
Is it normal to have someone else’s crap under your fingernails – NO!
Is it normal to wipe another person’s butt – NO!
Is it normal to love the person that tells you that they “hate you” on a daily basis – NO!
Is it normal to live on a diet of cheerios, applesauce, and pureed meat – NO!
Is it normal not to work out for two years straight because you are too busy – NO!
Is it normal to drink wine out of a sippy cup – NO!
Is it normal to dread leaving the house because it’s too much work – NO!
Is it normal to countdown to ten on a daily basis? – NO!
Is it normal to get pink eye, foot and mouth disease or ring worm every three months? – NO!
Feel free to add you own abnormalities to my official “Biz e-Mom’s Normal Parent List.” I think we should create a “Is Your Parenting Normal?” poll and submit it to Oprah. I bet there’d be some interesting results.
The point is, that most of us go through life for the better part of 20-30 years thinking we are pretty damn normal. Just about that time, your baby comes along and shows you what a fool you have been. You see, parents tolerate a whole other level of normalcy. And then eventually, I think we forget there was ever an alternate universe.
That’s because this thing called parenting just rocks your world. It gives you this little miracle thing you love so incredibly much that at the end of the day, it just supersedes normal.
P.S. If you still want to see how you stack up to Oprah’s Normal Poll questions, knock yourself out:
Take the poll: Is Your Love Life Normal?
Take the poll: Are Your Health and Hygiene Normal?
Take the poll: Do You Live a Normal Life?
- What does a normal, healthy family look like? (ask.metafilter.com)
- How to Talk to Your Parents (teens.webmd.com)
- Motherlode: A Hero or Just a Parent? (parenting.blogs.nytimes.com)
- ‘Most important job’ (bbc.co.uk)